I got the idea for this post from one I saw on a lovely blog called Defining Motherhood. I struggle at times with what to write about. I discovered writing prompts from the aforementioned blog. This one spoke volumes to me:
Wow. Profound. My first instinctual response was, “Of course!”. I think it would be for most of us, no? But on deeper thought, I think it’s pretty telling. If you already think you’re that person, you’re probably deluding yourself. Is there really nothing in your personality that you’d want to change to be able to spend the rest of your life around? Fundamentally, for me, there isn’t. I am kind, loyal and honest. I will do whatever I can to help someone who needs it, but I won’t necessarily sacrifice my own safety for a stranger. After all, I have a husband and two children to think about. I am a moral individual, I know the difference between right and wrong. I don’t hate. But surely this statement, “Are you the kind of person you’d like to spend the rest of your life around?” is delving deeper, right?
I judge. Who doesn’t, right? I am not proud of this. I’m forced to acknowledge this on a daily basis in my job. I can’t judge my patients. It’s not my place. I offer support and empathy, but I never judge. But in my personal life, I see the judgement. I see the woman on the subway standing next to me, all made up perfectly, with the giant diamond on her left ring finger. “High maintenance”, is what I think. I just judged her. I don’t even know her. Some would say that’s inconsequential, but I disagree. It says more about me, doesn’t it?
I also care what people think of me – correction, I care what my friends think of me. Do they see some shell of a person who has none of her own convictions or opinions? Do they see or hear my husband’s voice when I speak? What are they saying to other people about me? Why do I care? This certainly is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life around. I am better than that. I am stronger than that.
It’s time to start working on it.