Renewed

I can’t say I’m sad to see 2018 go.

It was a difficult year, to say the least. A few days into January, my father  had his first fall and we realized that my mom probably wouldn’t be able to care for him at home for much longer.  Over the span of a few months, there were more falls, more calls to 911 for assistance to get him up off the floor, and my brother and I convinced our mother that a retirement home was the next step.

I thought I was handling things well but by June the writing was on the wall for him. Darkness, the black hole of depression, started to consume me and I was failing everyone.

The year ended better than it started.   I worked my ass off at two jobs and kept very busy mostly to avoid thinking about it all.  I know that doesn’t sound like a good thing, but really, it was.  The only downside was that I basically stopped running.
But 2018 is done now, and so is the extra work and on new years’ day, I went for a goddamn run. It was glorious.  The sun was shining and despite the chill in the air from the cold wind, I think I was smiling inside the whole time. 
Hello, 2019.  It’s nice to see you.



I Still Believe.

X-Files-Revival

The X-Files are back and this girl couldn’t be happier.

Seriously, I’m giddy like a schoolgirl.

I was a little worried about the revival – what if it’s awful and sucks? Will it tarnish the 9 previous years of the show?

I was a HUGE fan of the show.  Back in medical school, I would have my friends over  every Sunday night to watch the show and there was only one rule – no one was allowed to talk until the commercials.  My friends respected my geekness, for the most part.

I even got a tattoo during medical school which exemplified my nerdiness and passion for The X-Files.  Yes, I am that much of a geek.

Nowadays with the Internet and spoilers I was very keen not to read anything about the revival.  I couldn’t even look at pictures from the set.  I got goosebumps as I waited for the first episode to start after that silly football game ran over time.  When I heard the opening theme music and credits roll I think I squealed in delight.

There was just something so magical about that show.  I loved the dynamic between the two leads. I loved that Scully was a doctor and a scientist. (I even named my cat after her.) My favorite episodes were always the mythology ones.  Don’t get me wrong, some of the best episodes were the “monster-of-the week”;  “Home” anyone?

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Even Scully, in last night’s episode, agrees with the audience that the monster-of-the-week cases were fun.

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But it was the underlying mythology of the show that really sucked me in.  Are we alone? Do aliens exist? Is the Government lying to us? What really happened to Mulder’s sister? What is the black oil?  Who is Krycek?

There’s only 3 more episodes left to air in this revival.  That can’t be the end!  The ratings are exploding with every new episode. There has to be more!!!!!

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Three More Hours

I am sitting in a salon chair finally getting my hair done. It desperately needs some help and this was the only time I could fit it in. I 

work this afternoon and then I am off for almost three weeks. 

Three weeks! 

Three more hours of patient visits to go. 

Three more hours of lab reports, consults and prescription renewals. 

Three more hours of dealing with other people’s problems. 

Yesterday I started to worry that I was getting depressed again. I suddenly just felt … I don’t know, I felt off. I felt like I just didn’t care about any of it anymore. I didn’t want to go home and face the chaos of trying to clean and pack and deal with the kids. 

But then I got home and amongst the chaos and dirty faces and piles of laundry to fold, I felt immensely better.  I was happy to be home. I can’t begin to describe how reassuring that was to feel. Despite the state of emergency that my house is currently in, I was happy to be home and in the middle of it. 

I don’t need a break from my family, house or kids. I need a break from work. 

Only three more hours to go. 

Thursday Thirty.

Thirty things I love.

1. Myself.
2. My husband
3. My children
4. My parents and brother
5. My friends
6. My cat
7. Running
8. Chocolate
9. Cross stitching
10. Coffee
11. Wine
12. Bailey’s
13. Martinis – preferably chocolate-y and sweet
14. Steak
15. Being a doctor
16. Being respected
17. Being someone to count on
18. Being my own boss
19. My bed.
20. Chips and dip
21. Ice cold water
22. The sun
23. Baklava
24. The smell of my kids right out of the bath
25. The scale 😉
26. My Guess jeans
27. My boots
28. My nails (they are the longest now they have ever been … ever!)
29. My house
30. My life

Summer – Finally!

As far as I’m concerned, summer has arrived.  I’m wearing sandals, the kids need sunscreen, the city’s splash pads are open.  It’s summer.

Over the weekend, my eldest achieved another milestone.  Riding a two-wheeler!!  Such a proud, proud moment for her and for me.  In the span of, literally, 10-15 minutes she went from being wobbly, unsteady and unsure to a confident, sturdy rider. It was incredible to watch.  We went to a local park which happens to have a skateboard area and she went to town with her little scooter, tackling the ramps like a pro.  My heart stopped a few times watching her fall but those elbow, knee and wrist pads came in handy.  Her poor little legs are all scraped up and bruised.  She is such a tough little girl.

The baby started clapping!  Oh my goodness, it was so spontaneous and hilarious.  He was so proud of himself, but more so probably because of my squeal of delight when he did it.

I got in a few runs this past weekend.  I’ve forgotten how difficult it can be to run in the summertime.  I will have to start carrying water with me.  The migraine headaches have been brutal post-run.

I love running along the trail.  I am so fortunate to live be able to live in the city and yet have the woods so close that I can run to get there.

download5 download6  I may have started a coaching program on one of my running apps to help me get to my 10 km goal.  I know I wrote last week that I wasn’t going to focus on distance or speed but I am who I am and I really want to be able to run 10km. So, the program told me I needed to run 6.4km on the weekend.  It suggested a 1:1 interval but I did my usual 3:1 intervals but took time to stretch when I needed it and walked when I was supposed to.  I ended up doing 6.38km which was great but really felt it in my hamstrings the next day – likely from some exuberant post-run stretching. I don’t plan on following the program all that closely, especially when it expects me to run 12 km in two weeks. Say whut?  That’s a huge jump and not something I’m going to risk re-injury for. I will take its suggestions with a large grain of salt.

I ran yesterday, 4.23 km instead of the 2 km walk that was suggested for me and today the app wants me to run 6.44 km again.  Yeah, not gonna happen. Instead I rode my bike into work. Cross training is better than no training, right?

Overall, I have to say, it’s been a fantastic start to the summer.  I love the heat and you will not hear me complain about the humidity, unless it gives me a raging migraine.  Then, all bets are off!

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I need new running shorts that don’t bunch up in the thighs. Capri tights are far too hot to run in!

 

 

 

Busy Saturday

Day 18 – January Daily Blog Posting Month

Prepping the house for some friends tonight.

Baby is napping in 45 minute stretches every 1-2 hours.

Middle son is cranky with a runny nose and low grade fever, complaining of an ear ache. Advil and Tylenol to the rescue.

I haven’t exercised today and feel guilty about it.

Gotta run, in more ways than one!!

Mommy Guilt.

Day 6 – January Daily Blog Posting Month

First off, welcome to my new followers.  Thank you for embarking on this journey with me!  I am honoured and flattered that you are following along.

Baby J is going to be 4 months old on the 16th of this month.  I continue to exclusively breastfeed him which is a huge thing for me given how awful an experience it was with my firstborn.  I still have the emotional scars.  Baby J feels like he is gaining well and he is certainly growing!  He is already ahead on the developmental side of things – he is doing everything a 4 month old should be doing and he is only 3.5 months old.  He is laughing at us, grabbing at things and is starting to bring his knees up and pivot on his back.  He could roll over any day now.

He is napping pretty well throughout the day, it’s just his nighttime sleep which I wish would improve.  Selfishly, I admit.  I am tired.  I want to sleep more than 2-3 hour stretches at nighttime. Last night at 4am, husband got up to replace the soother as I had just fed him 45 minutes earlier.  Husband came back and said, “We should be giving him formula at night.”  The thought being that he would sleep longer.  It certainly was the case for our other kids, why not this one?

My plan all along was to introduce formula about 6 weeks before I returned to work, which would be in mid-late February.  But last night and this morning, I am seriously considering introducing it early.  Yet, the mommy guilt kicks in.  It’s only been 3.5 months.  I could do this longer, I should be doing this longer. After all, why did I extend my leave by a month?  So I could hand off the baby to be fed by a bottle, by others?

Ugh.

All of my children were given formula.  My daughter was 2 weeks old when I started supplementing; my middle son was 3 months old when I first started his transition.  By all accounts, I have done pretty well with Baby J as he has been exclusively breast-fed the longest.

So why can’t I just do it now?

Mommy guilt.

An Update and Another Challenge.

I miss posting every day.  Really, I do.

When National Blog Posting Month ended, I breathed a silent sigh of relief.  Phew! The daily pressure to post every day was off.  I looked forward to that time alone to compose my thoughts and write a post.  I miss it so much that I think I might make January, 2014 my own blog posting month.  You heard it here first.  It gives me something to do every day, you know, besides taking care of the house, the kids and the baby.  It stimulates my mind and I really do need that.

I promised someone I would write about sleep training, and I will.  If there are any other topics my readers, you, would like me to write about, please let me know.

Oh, I have some news.  In the last week or so, I decided that it was too soon to return to work on March 1.  So, I spoke with the physician covering my practice and she is willing to stay an extra month.  My official return to work date is now April 1.  The thought of returning to work in 2 months just didn’t sit well with me, the baby still seems so young.  I also like the idea that I’ll be leaving my husband alone with three kids as the weather starts to improve.  Leaving him when it’s still winter just doesn’t seem fair.  My bank account isn’t going to like it, but I really don’t care.  This is the last time I will be off for this length of time and I want to make the most of it.  I am even dreaming of a trip South with the whole crew in February or March.  I would love to return to Jamaica.  But that’s another post.

For now, I will leave you with a photograph depicting what it looks like outside today.

And this is what I’m dreaming of for February or March.

Light Reading.

One of the toughest things I find while being on maternity leave is finding the time to read my medical journals.  Oh sure, there’s plenty of time to write my blog, surf the net, check Twitter and FB, eat food and nurse the baby.  But sitting down for 10-15 minutes to read a journal?  Surely, you jest!

I subscribe to several medical journals – CMAJ, CFP and NEJM. For some reason, I have stopped getting paper copies of CFP, so it’s even more rare that I read it.  However, CMAJ and NEJM come regularly.  And they pile up on my desk.

I will usually skim through the CMAJ but the one I read a lot of is NEJM (though you wouldn’t know it to see the stack on my desk right now).  I really enjoy the Case Records of the Massachusetts General Hospital and the Images in Clinical Medicine. Only in a medical journal can you see some gross stuff (well, I’m sure you can find lots on the Internet, but that’s a different thing).  Both are great exercises in problem solving.  The Case Records goes through a patient case step by step, from initial admission to discharge/conclusion.  Most of the cases are pretty obscure but there are a few that I have figured out before the diagnosis is given.  Same is true for the images, though most of the time I have no idea what I’m looking at because the medical condition is so obscure.  Still, it’s fun.

The only problem now is that I just don’t have the attention span to read the journals.  I am so, so tired.  I feel like a broken record. I read a sentence and I have no idea what I just read.  It’s not even that my  mind is on other things – my mind is actually nowhere.  Zombie-land.  Clouds. Ether.  I have no idea where it goes.

I know it’ll get better. I have done this before.  I know what that feeling will be like to wake up in the morning and realize I’ve slept for 7 hours non-stop.  My first thought will be, “Oh my God, is the baby ok?”  And then when I realize he’s slept through the night I’ll be beyond happy. Ecstatic.

Until then, the journals will continue to accumulate and hopefully, slowly but surely, they will get read.