Half way!

I haven’t posted a lot about this pregnancy, but as I have come to the half-way mark (20 weeks), I felt the need to.

Wow, 20 weeks.  This child is coming!  I can’t believe how fast the time is going.  Just yesterday, it seems, I discovered I was pregnant and the panic set in.  Now, this little one is just four and a half months away from making his/her entrance.

I hope he/she is ready!

Older brother and sister are forces to be reckoned with.  This little one is going to have to adapt, and adapt quickly!  Husband jokes that this one is going to be a lot like Maggie Simpson.  Keeps her mouth shut, but knows everything!

Last week we had our anatomy ultrasound and thankfully, together with the genetic screening, little one appears healthy.  Gender was even revealed to the technician (but not to us!).   Husband doesn’t want to know.  I would have found out had he said he did too.  As this is the LAST baby I am going to have (yes, I do mean LAST!!), I figured why mess with the status quo?  We didn’t find out for the last two pregnancies, so we won’t for this one.  (But, I did ask the tech to write the gender on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope.)  I haven’t opened the envelope.  I suppose I wanted the option of finding out if I changed my mind.  I still haven’t decided if I’m going to.  I really did enjoy the surprise at delivery and I’m not sure I want to give that up, again, as this is the LAST pregnancy I intend on having.

So, I have no idea who is growing inside me.  Some days I am thinking it’s a girl, other days I’m sure it’s a boy.  It really doesn’t matter.  I just can’t wait to meet him/her.

A Difficult Week.

The office has been in some turmoil these past few weeks.  Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I walk in today to find that one of my secretaries decided to take the day off  with no notice. Just a message on voice mail that she was sick with a “stomach thing.”  Oh, and did I mention it’s the Friday before a long weekend and I’m working alone in the office today, covering 3 practices?

I’m tired.

I’m grumpy.

I’m pissed off with my staff.

I hate being a boss. I don’t want to deal with delinquent staff who think it’s okay to just call in “sick”, especially on a long weekend, when it’s so bloody obvious that she was fine yesterday and suddenly got a “stomach thing”!  Not to mention the fact that she had a 3 day weekend last week!  I have enough to deal with and don’t really want to be doing her job as well as mine today!

I’m also pissed off with myself.  Something came to light regarding a patient that has me completely freaked out that I might be named in a lawsuit and though I did everything I could to rectify the situation, in the end, after a series of miscommunications and communication breakdown between myself, the patient, the specialist and the hospital, I may just end up losing a lovely family to another physician.  I feel sick inside.

Us doctors, we’re not perfect. I know, shocking right?  Sometimes things get missed.  Mistakes happen.  And though I haven’t done anything horrible like leaving a surgical instrument in someone’s chest,     how I am feeling right now, I might as well have.  I am being pretty hard on myself, I know, it’s just who I am.

I am mad.  I want to be a perfect doctor.  I don’t ever want to make a mistake or miss a diagnosis.  I’m supposed to be the expert.  But try as I might to be perfect in this job, I have been reminded just how much I’m not.  It stings like a sonofabitch. I am managing over 900 patients with their test results, consult letters, referrals and office visits.  To say it’s challenging is an understatement.  Ugh, it sounds like I’m trying to make excuses.

Truth is,  I have no excuse.

This is my job.  I should be more vigilant. More cautious. More attentive.

Lesson learned. But at what cost?