Am I Losing Ground?

I haven’t run in a week. I wish I could say the ankle feels better but it doesn’t. It feels really, really tight and there’s this one spot that hurts when I massage it – the spot where the tendon inserts on the calcaneous.

I’m seeing a physiotherapist tomorrow. She helped me a lot when I developed an IT band issue a few months after I started first running.

I really wanted to test the ankle today but when I woke up and looked outside there was about 10-15cm of snow on the ground. Didn’t seem like a very good idea to test the ankle in those conditions.  Instead, I got on the exercise bike for 40 minutes.  So not the same.

Just when the injury hit, I could run almost 40 minutes straight without stopping. My cardiovascular endurance is the best it’s ever been despite having the extra 15 lbs I’m carrying around. I worry that all of that will be lost when (not if!) I start running again.

My mood has been shit this past week. I thought it was just from not being able to run but I think it’s also hormonal. The baby hasn’t nursed in over a week now. I’ve been more emotional about it but not in the way you’d think. Instead it’s coming out as frustration and impatience, particularly when it comes to the older two kids. And that makes me feel guilty.

Dammit, I just want to run.

I really hope this physio does the trick.

Mommy Guilt.

Day 6 – January Daily Blog Posting Month

First off, welcome to my new followers.  Thank you for embarking on this journey with me!  I am honoured and flattered that you are following along.

Baby J is going to be 4 months old on the 16th of this month.  I continue to exclusively breastfeed him which is a huge thing for me given how awful an experience it was with my firstborn.  I still have the emotional scars.  Baby J feels like he is gaining well and he is certainly growing!  He is already ahead on the developmental side of things – he is doing everything a 4 month old should be doing and he is only 3.5 months old.  He is laughing at us, grabbing at things and is starting to bring his knees up and pivot on his back.  He could roll over any day now.

He is napping pretty well throughout the day, it’s just his nighttime sleep which I wish would improve.  Selfishly, I admit.  I am tired.  I want to sleep more than 2-3 hour stretches at nighttime. Last night at 4am, husband got up to replace the soother as I had just fed him 45 minutes earlier.  Husband came back and said, “We should be giving him formula at night.”  The thought being that he would sleep longer.  It certainly was the case for our other kids, why not this one?

My plan all along was to introduce formula about 6 weeks before I returned to work, which would be in mid-late February.  But last night and this morning, I am seriously considering introducing it early.  Yet, the mommy guilt kicks in.  It’s only been 3.5 months.  I could do this longer, I should be doing this longer. After all, why did I extend my leave by a month?  So I could hand off the baby to be fed by a bottle, by others?

Ugh.

All of my children were given formula.  My daughter was 2 weeks old when I started supplementing; my middle son was 3 months old when I first started his transition.  By all accounts, I have done pretty well with Baby J as he has been exclusively breast-fed the longest.

So why can’t I just do it now?

Mommy guilt.

30 g/day

No, I’m not talking about how much fiber one should have in a day – though, 30 g is about right, I think.  I’m referring to the amount of weight a newborn should gain per day during the first few months of life.

For my American readers – 30 grams = 1 oz.

30g/day was drilled into my head in medical school and particularly so in my Family Medicine training program.  A newborn will typically lose about 10% of his/her birth weight in the first few days of life, but usually by a week of age, the majority of infants will have regained the weight.  I was also taught that this should occur within the first 7 days of life.

So, in my first few years of family practice, I was quite diligent about these milestones.  If a baby hadn’t gotten back to birth weight within a week or wasn’t gaining that magical 30g/day, I would refer to the pediatricians across the hall from my office.  After a few of these referrals, the pediatrician walked over to my office to have a little “chat”.  She’s a lovely woman (she actually sees all my children) who sat me down and told me, that while she appreciated all the consults I was sending her way,  all of the infants were healthy and I was jumping the gun on the referrals.  I explained my reasoning, and she basically told me that “in the real world of clinical practice, most infants will regain their birth weight within 2-3 weeks, and so long as they are gaining weight, don’t focus on the 30g/day rule.”  She reminded me it was more important to assess how the mother was nursing, or how much formula was being given; she reminded me that the hydration status of the infant was more important than the number of grams gained.  Clinically, how does the infant look?  Was the infant having adequate numbers of wet diapers during the day? etc.  It was amazing advice and (sadly for her), my referrals drastically declined.

Yet, when it comes to my own child, I am stuck on that 30g/day rule.  Perhaps it’s because, with my first-born, I had a pathetic milk supply and didn’t recognize that my daughter was hungry and losing weight.  By the time she was 2 weeks old, she had lost about 20% of her birth weight, was just getting enough milk to stay hydrated, but not enough to gain weight.  I had to start supplementing with formula and watching her guzzle back that first 4 oz of formula in about 20 seconds made me realize just how hungry she was.  Cue the gut-wrenching mommy guilt.

I didn’t have to supplement with my second child – we had a great nursing relationship and he gained weight well.  Now, with the third. it seems to be following the same pattern, yet today I decided to take the baby to my office for a weight check only to discover that he’s gaining only about 15 oz/ day.

Cue the mommy guilt again. Oh God, do I not have enough milk for him?  Is he hungry and I’m just not clueing in?  Should I be waking him every 2 hours?  When I relayed my concerns to my husband, he just looked at me and said “He’s fine.”  He’s pooping and peeing appropriately.  He seems satisfied at the breast (unlike the firstborn who was clearly frustrated after a few minutes on the breast).  I am being way too hard on myself, yet I just can’t help it. And to top it all off, the baby now has the cold his older siblings have.

Did I mention he’s only 3 weeks old?

FML.