Regenerate

I wanted to say thank you to all the folks who reached out to me after my last post, most of whom I didn’t even know were reading the blog. It meant a great deal to me. That post sat in my drafts folder for over a week before I decided to publish it.

I’m away on a much needed break with my family. On top of all the mood stuff I was going through, I was also burning out from work. Or maybe it was the mood stuff causing the burnout or vice versa. Hard to know at this point. Being present for patients is really hard when I am barely present for myself.

I tell my patients that they have to talk about how they are feeling with friends and family when they get depressed or anxious. The old adage that doctors make the worst patients is true.

I didn’t take my own advice. I wasn’t talking about how I was feeling. There was guilt about my parents. Guilt about not helping my brother enough. There was shame for wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out. Shame for feeling weak and paralyzed; shame for the thoughts of death and dying I was having. And then there was the anger toward myself for falling into the black hole to begin with. I did it to myself. I was the one who weaned off her medication a year ago. I was the one who was arrogant enough to think I didn’t need them anymore. I had been feeling good for so long. Work was great, I was running and life was good. I didn’t need those pills anymore.

I had it all figured out.

But I forgot one thing.

Depression runs in my family. It wasn’t my first time getting sick. I should have known better. That’s the real kicker here.

I should have known better.

Now I have to sort through my ego and arrogance. It’s time to take a long hard look and regroup.

Recovery.

Last week, I ran 5 days out of 7.

You can probably guess that my knee has been feeling a lot better.  Except for the little “click” I keep hearing on the opposite knee every time I walk down stairs. But it doesn’t hurt, so I’m going to ignore it. In fact I think it might be gone today.

Now that I have run my goal of 10 km (okay, so only once, but still, I did it!), I feel like I need to set another goal.  While I fully intend on running that 10 km again, I want to improve my endurance.  Before all the injuries set in, I was running 5 km at a steady pace, with no walking.  I know that running:walking is a common practice for even the long distance runners, but there is still a small part of me that thinks that if I call myself a runner, I should be able to run a distance, you know?  Must be that type-A personality coming through.

Last week, I drove to the waterfront and had a fabulous run on the boardwalk.  I don’t know if it was the scenery that helped, but I found some energy the last kilometer and had my fastest kilometer in quite some time!  I was so excited.  I even had my first negative split!

neg split

So, the last couple of runs, I have changed things up a bit (yet again!).  I ran the first kilometer straight, it was about 7.5 minutes. Then I walked for a minute.  Then I ran the next kilometer straight, then walked for a minute.  Repeat x 4 km.  I have no idea if this is even a thing, but there you have it. After two runs like that, my legs were feeling the strain.

Being the good girl that I am, I took the last 2 days off. My legs needed it. I was really tempted to run last night, but I didn’t.  Partly because I was so damn tired, but mostly because I was too busy eating these little guys.

cookies

So, of course after eating far too many of these cookies, I really felt like I needed a run, but instead I sat my butt down on the couch and cross stitched for the rest of the evening. I had every intention of waking up this morning and going for a run. I don’t work on Mondays and thought it would be good to get the run out of the way and before it got too hot.  Yeah, well, it didn’t happen.

I blame the cookies.